alone with everyone

So here I am, listening to "alone" by Moby and still not myself. I knew what I was going to write before I sat down here, or rather, before my computer rebooted itself, I knew what i had to say and what i felt. but now i'm empty again. maybe i can bring it back.
can you really ever tell anyone everything? even if you did, no one would really understand you. only you understand you, even if you don't... that doesn't make any sense, does it.
I have everyone to talk to and no one. I have everything and nothing. I don't know anything and i know everything. I can't do this and i can
can't
i don't even know what i'm talking about now, and i'm trying not to curse but it gets harder and harder every day.
yesterday i helped to people get together, today i learned that i had helped two other people get together several months ago.
no one ever helps me, everyone helps me.
is clawing at your arms self-injury?
i want to go home but i am home, i'm sitting in my room and i have a laptop and a wacom tablet and an ipod and people who love me but i can't see them. the person i love can't see me. 309 days.
sometimes i stare in the mirror at myself.
sometimes i wonder if other people think. not all other people, just other people... nevermind.
i wish i didn't have to type or speak or whatever. i wish i could just open my brain and everyone else could too, and an ocean of memories and all our tears would pour out onto the sidewalk and mix and we would all know what the hell was going on and...

nevermind.